Anonymous friend: Fearful Love - a personal recount of domestic violence

STEVE PULASKI'S FOREWORD:  While I'm personally a tad late on getting this post out by October, Domestic Violence Awareness Month, the impact and power of this piece hasn't been diminished in the slightest. Earlier in the year, I reached out to a friend I met telling her I wanted her to do a piece for my blog on any topic she could think of; she hit me with something harder than I expected by choosing her own experience in an abusive relationship. It's truly amazing that asking somebody something as opened ended as, "would you like to write a piece for my website" has the potential to turn into something so eye-opening and revealing. Though she has chosen to remain anonymous, this allows her content to speak for itself without the confinement or albatross a by-line or a name can sometimes bring. Once again, I'm privileged to have this piece on my blog.

[....]

{Fearful Love}

It is the hesitance to sleep 

After the night

I let my eyes flutter shut

To succumb to vulnerability,

And he slipped himself inside

My legs and my trust,

Breaking me apart. 

It is hiding in the closet,

The sleeves of his clothes 

Guarding me

While the man they belong to

Comes hunting 

With glazed eyes

And shaking fists.

It is hearing him whisper 

“I love you”

As my hands try to catch the blood

Dripping from my nose.

Fear is a heart

That has been conditioned

To find love and hurt synonymous.

//

As hopefully many of you knew, October was Domestic Violence Awareness month. I specifically asked Steve, who has graciously provided a platform for this topic, to post after the month was over. It's wonderful that October brings the subject to surface, but it's vital to continue to acknowledge its significance through the remainder of the year. For victims, for survivors, the trauma and aftermath doesn't last for just 31 days.

Here's the thing. I was in a very abusive relationship. And before I found myself in so deep, I ignorantly thought I wouldn't be the type of person to be involved in such a situation. Like I said, I was ignorant. 

Ignorant to the fact that victimization can start slow and grow into something incredibly sinister. That manipulation and isolation provide a means to control and are only a couple of the several different signs that a partner is abusive. That emotional abuse and sexual abuse are just as dangerous as physical violence. 

And most importantly, that it could happen to anyone. And I mean anyone. You hear that cliche echoing through countless PSAs about drugs or drunk driving, or even when addressing the high risk of fatality from texting behind the wheel. Tragedy doesn't discriminate. And neither does domestic violence.

I was a straight-A student with a great job and great friends and I had fallen in love. The man I met had a bit of a temper, but never towards me. Mostly directed at "idiots" on the road and losing football teams. Why would I think to see those traits and make a run for it? Of course I wouldn't.

But in the span of 2 and a half years his temper slowly started to turn against me, emotionally and physically. Once you are so deeply in love with a person, you would be surprised how easy it is to justify behavior or worse, blame yourself for it.

I can't speak for everyone, but for myself and many of those I've met through an incredible network of survivors, domestic violence is insidious. It starts so small, maybe just with threatening words or belittlement on a rare occasion. And by the time you recognize how dangerous the situation is, it is so hard to leave. Because maybe you still love them, because maybe you have nowhere else to go. Maybe it feels like the good days still outweigh the bad. But no matter what, never ever tell a victim that they should "just leave". And never ask a survivor why they didn't "just leave". It's rarely that simple, and it's so hurtful to someone opening up about their situation to be condescended in such a manner.

I kept my abuse hidden for a very long time because I lived with my abuser and didn't know where to go. I also thought it was my fault. When I finally found the strength to leave, I was lucky enough to have an amazing support system that never questioned my stories or my actions. 

What was concerning, though, was how many people said they suspected something dark was going on. Whether it was my sadness or exhausted appearance, or maybe the injuries I did a poor job of hiding, something seemed wrong to so many people, but no one ever said anything.

My main point in writing this is to urge you to know the signs of partner victimization, and to reach out to those if you think they are suffering. Emotional, physical, and sexual abuse are very real issues within many relationships. Abuse does not discriminate by race or gender, it is not the glamorized tragic heroine of a Lana Del Rey song or the overly conspicuous victim within a lifetime movie. And if these stereotypes and assumptions are broken, you could really save a life. 

Give them hope and help them heal. With the education and outreach from others, second chances at life for those trapped in darkness are so much more possible. 

//

{Love Without Fear}

Like is the pink roses,

And sweet nothings,

And conspicuous laugh

When what you said

Was not even funny.

Lust is the drunken nights.

The unrecognizable ceiling 

As my eyes awaken,

Tiptoeing out of the room 

To leave behind nothing but a streak of eyeliner on his pillowcase.

But love.

Real love, healthy love.

It is everything you imagined it could be. 

It is unbridled trust,

And gentle hands.

A heart consumed with enough compassion 

To fill in the holes of my own punctured organ. 

It is handing him the hammer

To crack open my ribs

And expose the gory bits,

The broken bits.

Watching him gently piece them together, 

Making me whole once more.

Fear without love is dysfunction. 

But love without fear is the healing.

Love without fear is a second chance.